Dear Dooley

Dear Dooley

Just a whole lot of stuff in a little tiny space

Dear Dooley

What is life?

(signed) Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering

Can I call you JW?

Life is: 1.) what you must get when you find yourself writing to an 80 something year old woman seeking advice and social comment. 2.) the sentence imposed by a judge after a defendant is found guilty by a jury of his/her peers for violating the civil rights of another through an uncivil action. 3.) is the magazine that was once the pinnacle of literary publication and the antithesis of social behavior but has since been reduced to bound pages of photographs and mug shots.

Dear Dooley

I hope you can help. I’ve never seen this problem in your column before. My wife Zelda (not her real name, wink, wink) and I like to entertain at our house. We both like to put on extravagant dinner parties. Lately, my wife has decided our dinners should be dress up dinners, which is fine except for one what she chooses to “dress up.” She insist we dress the celery in full length mink coats, lamb chops in skirts and blouses and shirts and ties, asparagus in tap shoes, onions in anything waterproof and turkey must be dressed as meatloaf to name just a few. Don’t you find that a bit odd? Our friends certainly do. I have been trying to convince my wife that this is not acceptable culinary behavior. Besides, I don’t like to eat food that dresses better than I do. What should I do?

(signed) Suspended Animation

Dear Suspended Animation

You are in a bit of a stew aren’t you? But really, what is wrong with dressing up your dinner time dishes just a bit? Just because a piece of food has been cooked does it not deserve to look good also? Perhaps it is you, Suspended Animation, if that is your real name. Further more, buddy boy, who died and made you chief cook? Certainley not me. Maybe you should get a bank loan and buy yourself a sense of humor.

Dear Dooley

My name is Ringo (not real name) and I am a musician. I was in a band years ago with three other fellas and we were quite popular. (But I’m sure you never heard of us.) Our little foursome broke up and we each went out separate ways. I’d like to get the boys back together and make an album or two but one won’t hear of it and the other two blokes have not returned any of my calls. It’s like they disappeared or something. Perhaps fell off the face of the earth. So here’s my problem – how do I get my bandmates back together again?

(signed) March To A Different Drummer

Dear Marching,

If you are who I think you are, try a bullet and a major illness. AND DON’T WRITE TO ME AGAIN!

Dear Dooley,

Hi. How are you? I am fine. My Doctor has prescribed 4 valium and 16 ounces of 90 proof liquor every 4 hours. What do you think he is trying to do to me?

(signed) Europhic

Dear Europhic,

Your Doctor is either trying to out Kevorkian Jack or he’s studying to be an embalmer. I’d check his license if I were you and if his license only allows him to sell alcohol on days that are not Sunday or holidays, then I’d find myself a good lawyer.

Got a question or a problem? Just Ask Dooley!! You will be glad you did. (All answers are subject to local taxes, dealer prep charges, tips, gratuities and bribes. All answers are considered to be complete unless they don’t work, then they are just stupid. All questions and answers are subject to publication as I have no code of ethics and have made it my goal in life to make fun of people.)